How to Save Your Daughter's Life
Emily May's review May 15, 12
**Some quotes have been shortened to include only what was relevant, but nothing has been added or manipulated to make it sound different from the way it was originally intended.**
I was browsing netgalley when I caught sight of this book and my curiosity was piqued, despite the fact that I don't read too much non-fiction. Upon reading the description, I realised that this book is claiming to help people raise their daughters in a way that won't get them raped and/or murdered throughout their life. It was at that point when I was like "woah, stop right there!" I've read enough victim-blaming, slut-shaming books to last a lifetime, but rather than being repelled, I was still harbouring an intense curiosity about where Brown would go with this. So I requested it.
The first thing I read was the introduction (as one tends to do) and Brown was spouting all this stuff about how her book isn't an attempt to blame the victim at all, that rape is a crime, that rape will always be a crime regardless of the circumstances, and the culprit is 100% to blame. But that doesn't mean there aren't things you can't do to avoid putting yourself at risk. And I admit, just for a second there, she completely had me. I swallowed her ideas up and thought, yeah, if you walk down a dark alley by yourself in the middle of the night, nothing good can be coming your way. But. But... Brown starts by saying she is not victim-blaming and then proceeds to blame the victims and their parents multiple times.
Here are some of Brown's basic rules/principles for keeping your daughter alive:
Men are the enemy/all men are rapists.
Your daughter is at risk, and there can be no bigger threat than that of the man. It doesn't matter who they are, how well she knows him, how kind he may seem to be. Men will do anything to get a girl alone, they are all trying desperately to get a girl drunk or drugged out of her mind so they can rape her. Beware of teachers, sport coaches, boyfriends, male friends, uncles, stepfathers, just any man your daughter comes into contact with. In fact, it's best to keep her away from all men until she is eighteen. Brown tells us how to spot a sexual predator: "he was a single man of about thirty who acted very immature and seemed to be too chummy with the boys on his team... he didn't seem to like my two boys that much... I didn't trust him because he seemed like he could possibly be a pedophile."
Homeschool your daughters and pick their friends.
I have never met anyone who's been homeschooled and I've never even heard of it happening in the UK, so I don't know if it's a good or bad thing and I'm not here to pass judgement on that. But Brown's advice is that you should cage your daughter as much as possible. Don't let her go to places where she could make her own friends, only allow her to become friends with the daughters of your church group members - I am not exaggerating, she specifically says she never allowed her children to become friends with kids outside of a small church-going group that she knew the parents of. So her daughter is never going to meet anyone different, never going to see how anyone other than upper middle class, predominantly white, Christians live.
Brown believes avoiding sending your daughter to a public high school whenever possible: "if your daughter hasn't committed a crime, why is she being imprisoned in a juvenile detention institution with criminals and thugs?" Brown warns us of these "wild" children who aren't homeschoolers or church friends and advises you to make sure an adult is always present when they are interacting with your daughter - because they may encourage them to get raped in later life. Okay, she didn't actually say that last bit about getting raped, but I can only assume it has some relevance seeing as that's what this book is supposed to be about.
Beware the evil world of media.
Television, movies, music, video games, computers, books and the internet are all demons waiting to steal your little cherub from you. Basically, most things enjoyable in life. Brown thinks that depressing music will lead to suicide and that "if it's not uplifting, why are they listening to it?" I think this is bullshit. Some of the best songs ever written are sad songs, art doesn't always have to be cheerful to be beautiful. Life often isn't a mixture of My Little Pony, Roald Dahl and party tunes. Brown makes a suggestion: "'The Wheels on the Bus go Round and Round' would probably be fine for a daughter of any age to perform" (LIES! if I'd sang that in high school, they would have thrown me in the canal - and not just because I can't sing). But seriously, I can't believe she said that.
Melodrama appears to be Brown's strong suit: "if you don't want your daughter laid out in a pine box or standing over you with a knife in the night, you shouldn't have her listening to that kind of extreme, mentally destructive music." Brown continues further into idiocy when she begins to lecture the reader about censoring what our children read. I'm not saying you should let your child read sex and violence, but once again Brown takes it too far.
1) R.L. Stine, Goosebumps: "seemed like sick little preslasher movie scripts" - wtf? Madam, those were my childhood.
2) "Certain books I'd like to warn parents about: anything to do with magic, witches, and vampires."
3) "I confess: the Harry Potter books bore me...they go to a creepy boarding school full of very questionable role models." Fuck you. We are also told that her kids didn't like them either - probably afraid to.
4) Twilight: "what do I find wrong with the Twilight stories? Just about everything, but especially Bella's personality - which is terribly drab - and the choices she makes - which are appalling - and yet many teen girls wish they could be her."
Oh wait... my god, she actually said something sensible... this is me dying of shock:
And then... "but I have to admit, I prefer them to the Harry Potter books... the only good message in the Twilight series is that Edward waits until marriage to have sex with Bella." Okay, back in familiar territory.
Individuality is bad, conformity is good.
If your daughter is expressing signs of being unique, make sure you have a talk with her about her behaviour because "if she views rebellion and the unknown as more thrilling, you may find your daughter one day hanging from the curtain rod." Remember not to be too unusual because people won't like you for it, and then you'll get bullied and it'll be all your fault. Which is another thing - if you daughter is being bullied, look for ways to fix her. "Your daughter goes to school dressed like, in essence, a streetwalker and gets called a hoe and then comes home crying to you. You shouldn't be marching down to the school to complain that your daughter is being called bad names; you and your daughter should be discussing appropriate dress." Because non-conformity is self-centred. "Being weird, too weird, or too far outside the comfort zone of the main group can contribute to harassment and bullying. Work on making sure this is not the issue for your daughter and help her adjust how she presents herself at school." Number one rule: lie to fit in. Does this mean if you're bullied for being gay you should start dating the opposite sex instead?
Things in books encourage the same in real life.
Hey, I'm mostly good with that statement. There's a whole "but it's just entertainment, it doesn't mean anything" argument on goodreads and elsewhere about this issue. I actually believe that if literature portrays women to be weak and waiting for the guy to save them (etc.) then people are more likely to think this is okay in real life. It's ignorant to believe that the media doesn't influence our beliefs and values. But... Brown uses the example of Bella's stupid choice of becoming a vampire. What???? Yeah, it was kinda stupid for Bella to become a vampire and give up chocolate forever, but seriously, I can say with absolute certainty, 100%, without possible argument, that your daughter will never (ever ever ever) become a vampire. No matter how much she wants to. Discussion over.
Dangerous hangouts, both online and off.
When Brown started talking about the dangerous places where your daughter could be led into sex and drugs, I thought she would point out bars, night clubs, random street corners... all that sort of thing. But no, apparently friends' houses and malls pose the biggest threat to dragging your angel off the path of goodness. These places are just waiting to turn your child onto drugs, alcohol and the worst demon of all: sex. Did you know this curious fact, that happy teenagers don't have sex? Brown has informed me of this, keep your teens in a stable and loving home and they won't be tempted by the call of their hormones. Hmm, yeah whatever.
Back to hangouts, the worst one of all is the internet. The internet is the equivalent of "letting your daughter walk into a porn video store or hang out with low-lifes down on the corner." Lowlifes here probably meaning non-homeschoolers.
Notice the contradiction:
1) "Being aware that pornography exists, and the extent of its reach and depravity, is to be educated."
2) "Making decisions on curtailing or blocking its inroads into your daughter's life is wise."
3) "Helping her become educated and wise is your duty."
It is educational to know about porn. You must educate your daughter by shielding her from it. And, by the way, porn is a "gateway drug into the sex trade". Other gateways to prostitution include: massage parlours, modelling services, and high school. Only girls who are extremely religious and have strict morals are prepared to turn down prostitution. If this book had been written as a joke, it would be hilarious. This quote is possibly my favourite: "One day I put the word 'Batman' into the image search because I wanted to find a cute picture for a kid I knew - and I got a photo of someone dressed in a Batman costume, crotch cut out, getting a blow job."
Things were better in 1812 when women weren't sluts and stayed at home.
No sex before marriage, no slutty behaviour, parents should arrange marriages and women shouldn't go out without a male escort. And the almost funny thing is that you probably think I'm joking and that this crap isn't really in the book, right? Not in 2012, right? Wrong! Brown's thoughts on arranged marriage: "Today we tend to scoff at such parental involvement in a girl's romantic interests, but it is not such a bad idea." Oh, it is totally a bad idea. Then she makes a comment about there being less sexual assaults if western women wore burkas and weren't allowed out alone - I kid you not.
Also: "Getting labelled a slut does not exactly bode well for having guys treat her well." Remember, hymen = respect. If you don't have one, don't expect to get any. Oh, and remember that thing about not blaming victims? Well... "She needs to not do whatever she is doing that makes them want to target her." And the reason you should save sex until marriage? Because other relationships always end with the woman dead, left with an unwanted pregnancy, addicted to drugs, or in prison (because she was "the Bonnie to some Clyde").
Brown's shitty examples of when things go wrong.
Honestly, Brown uses the most ridiculous "evidence" to back up her arguments, rare cases that happen every once in a blue moon, not solid statistics about the stuff that really does happen frequently.
"Alyssa Bustamante, age fifteen, strangled and stabbed her sister's little nine-year-old friend to death because she wanted to know what it was like to take someone's life"... so don't watch, read, or listen to anything to do with death. This includes most Disney films.
"...two men who met in a website called The Cannibal Cafe. One of them was into being the cannibal and the other got into the role of being eaten... they decided to play out their fantasy for real... filming his actions, the cannibal started cutting pieces off the man's body... he killed the man, chopped him up, packaged sections of him in the freezer, and cooked part of him." Don't use the internet, you will most likely find yourself eating someone or else being eaten.
That's it, I'm done. Just don't forget mums and dads, if you let your daughter leave the house there's about a 95% chance she will be murdered. Have a nice day.
If you want to read the comments on the above review, google Goodreads and then search for 'How to Save Your Daughter's Life'.